How to include your kids in your wedding ceremony
Obviously, if you’ve got children or stepchildren, you’re going to want to include them in your wedding ceremony.
The internet is full of idyllic pinterest-worthy ideas. The little girl scattering petals as she walks down the aisle, or the teenage boy whose chest is bursting with pride as he accompanies his beautiful Mum down the aisle.
All lovely. I’m so here for all of that.
But what we don't see so much is the child who, 45 minutes before the start, absolutely refuses to put on their tights because they're too itchy. Or the little boy who's clinging on behind a wall refusing to go anywhere near the ceremony space. Or the teenager who would rather the ground swallowed them up whole than stand up in front of 50 people.
Because what feels like great fun when you’re practising in the kitchen in February can feel completely different to when you’re in a strange place, surrounded by lots of people, at your wedding ceremony in July.
I'm not a joy sponge. Quite the opposite I would like to think.
But, I just think we need to be a bit more realistic when it comes to involving children in wedding ceremonies.
My son has autism and separation anxiety. Over the years, I’ve learnt that me coming up with a brilliant plan and just hoping and praying it all works out is the worst thing I can do.
he feels the pressure to do something, doesn’t want to let anyone down and often won’t tell me he’s struggling until the very last minute. By which point his emotions have completely overwhelmed him and the whole thing becomes far more stressful than it ever needed to be.
So how can you involve your kids and stepkids without it becoming something they are secretly dreading, feel pressured into or simply or going to do a last minute refusal on the day?
First, give them a proper choice
Get a load of Post-it notes. And together with your kids, write different jobs on each one.
Don't just do the obvious ones; ring bearer, flower girl, groomsman, reader, walking mum or dad down the aisle, there are a million other jobs that your kids may want to do…
For example:
Choosing the playlist for the ceremony
Helping mum do her hair
Choosing a tie for dad
Being a spare photographer and taking their own pictures
Being the content creator before the ceremony
Showing guests where to sit
Looking after a bouquet in the ceremony
Holding dad’s glasses
Choosing something in the ceremony itself
Having a reading from their favourite book
Nobody has to stand there on their own with everyone staring at them.
Stick each post-it note on the wall as you all come up with new ideas. And then let the kids choose which job they actually want to do.
They may surprise you. Mine always do.
And if nobody chooses to scatter petals down the aisle, I can guarantee everybody would bloody love a Grandma flower girl.
Now they’ve chosen their jobs, help them imagine what it’s actually going to be like
With a celebrant, the script is written months in advance so everyone can have a look at it.
A good script (well mine do) will show where everyone will stand at the start, it will talk through who is walking in when, who is playing music, what the music will be, whose names will be said out loud and when, when you all stand up and sit down.
Unlike a registrar ceremony, with a fixed script, a celebrant really gets to know you so we create a ceremony around you and your family.
That means you can talk to your children about it way in advance and if you know at that point it's just not feeling right, or there's an inkling that your child is not going to be able to do it, we can change it.
No great shakes whatsoever.
Have a plan B
Even if your child has chosen their job, practiced it a hundred times, understands what will happen before, during and after their job, have a Plan B.
Children are children. Teenagers are teenagers.
Talk to your celebrant about anything you think could be tricky. Let me know if your child gets anxious, can be overwhelmed by senses (trust me, wedding ceremonies can be an assault to the senses with lots of fragrance, formal clothes, noise, emotions and enclosed rooms), or may struggle with lots of people watching them.
And we can come up with different options. Or we can just leave bits out.
Most celebrants only do one ceremony a day, so if a child isn't ready or needs a bit more time, or a plan goes awry, it's absolutely not a problem.
Let them meet your celebrant beforehand
With kids, I’d always recommend a rehearsal beforehand, ideally at the venue and in the room or setting where the ceremony will take place.
Not a full dress rehearsal obviously, but do as much of the actual ceremony as you think is helpful - get everyone to walk up and down the aisle, practice getting up and sitting down and working out where the music will be playing from.
And importantly, meet the celebrant.
So instead of it being some scary woman stood at the front telling everyone when to get up and sit down, I’m now just Becky. Someone they’ve had a chat with and hopefully feel a bit more comfortable around.
For some children familiarity, visualisation and practice can make an enormous difference. For others it may not. And that’s ok too.
None of this is to say it will go to plan. Believe me, a combination of my own children as well as working as a celebrant with families, I know this all too well!
But giving children some choice, helping them understand what’s going to happen and making sure there is a way out if it all feels too much can massively take the pressure off and make things feel a whole lot easier.
After all, you know your children and stepchildren better than anybody else.
And if the plan changes on the day? We’ll work it out.
It’s just another reason why I think a celebrant trumps a registrar for your wedding ceremony every time.
