Your partner can’t see the point of a celebrant. Try this.

This week, three people I spoke to me said they wanted a celebrant wedding, but their partner couldn’t see the point. It got me thinking.

So over a dinner, I asked my husband; “Imagine when we were getting married, would we have a celebrant ceremony as well as a registrar marriage?”

Two things.
Firstly, my husband obviously knows what I do for a job.
Secondly, my husband is the most blue, analytical, rational and risk-averse person I know.

So, on one hand I was expecting the answer he gave. But there was a part of me that hoped he ‘got it’.

“No, I can’t see the point in doing it twice. We would already have got married with a registrar so what’s the point?”

Excellent.

If my husband, who sees what I do each day, hears me speaking to couples, gets the joy of me running through ceremonies with him and is regularly asked his opinions on readings, doesn’t get it, then there is clearly some education to do.

You’re fully sold. They are not.

“But it will be so more personal,” you say.
“It will feel like us,” you say.
“It doesn’t have to be stuffy or formal,” you say.
“I went to Kat’s wedding and she had a celebrant and it was so much fun,” you say.
“We can do a simple legal marriage the day before,” you say.

But they reply:
"We’re already getting married with a registrar, why do we need another ceremony?”
“Why spend extra money?”
“My mum won’t understand it’s not the legal wedding.”
“It feels too performative.”
“It’s a waste of time.”
“I can’t see the point.”

And, let’s be fair, no one is looking to spend even more money on their wedding than they have to.

Try this

I am yellow, expressive, emotional and impulsive. The polar opposite of my husband.

When I put forward arguments based around emotions, he absolutely switches off. Sometimes I can convince him my way is right with a homemade lasagne and a bottle of Merlot. Sometimes, I need a better strategy.

So, swap out the emotions, and in their place, go for the rational evidence of why a celebrant ceremony could be a good choice for the both of you.

The practical benefits of a celebrant ceremony

You get to choose the person

You spend a huge amount of time choosing the people involved in their wedding.

You’ve taste-tested three different menus and tried three different wine flights. You’ve been reviewing photographers’ portfolios for months. You’ve been to more live band gigs in the last three months than ever before.

You’re trusting these people with your wedding day.

The person leading the ceremony is not a minor detail.

They are standing at the front of the room, speaking to you, your family and your friends. They’re the person who stands with you as you share with the world what this means. And if something doesn’t go to plan, they’re the one who makes it look effortlessly as though it was always meant to happen that way.

With a celebrant, you choose that person.

You can meet them before making a decision. You can hear how they speak, ask questions and work out whether their style suits you. You are not waiting until the wedding day to discover whether the person at the front is warm and reassuring or makes both of you feel as though you’ve been told off in the school dinner queue.

And not being rude or anything, the person leading the ceremony will turn up in your photos. Just something else to think about.

You can choose the timing of your wedding

Seriously, who is choosing what time your guests sit down to eat?

With a celebrant, you can say you want to have the ceremony at 12 noon, 1pm, 2pm or 3.34pm o6pm in the evening, or 9 o’clock at night. Literally, whenever you want.

We work with you.

A registrar on the other hand, has a schedule to work to. You fit into their schedule, not the other way around.

Their slot can dictate your day, what you do and sometimes how much it can cost.

A 4pm ceremony can make for a rushed drinks reception or hungry guests if you’re planning an afternoon feast followed by an evening party. A ceremony at 11 in the morning can lead to a pricey old day because that’s more food, more drinking, plus possibly more entertainment to keep everyone going.

I only do one wedding a day, which means I am not watching the clock to get across town to my second couple of the day.

And don’t even get me started on what happens when your timings don’t go to plan.

You need flexibility

Ok, so I am going to talk about timings not going to plan. Or other things not going to plan, for that matter.

One couple that I was speaking to said this exact thing to me; “We’re worried one of our children could struggle getting ready for the ceremony.”

Or perhaps its something completely outside of your control, like the the rain threatening to come down in stair rods at the exact time of your outdoor ceremony.

For a celebrant, absolutely no problem. We wait until you’re ready, until the rain passes or until everyone has found their seat - obviously, as long as this works for the venue too. Another thirty minutes is fine by me.

A registrar has a small bit of flexibility within their schedule, but they still need to get you married and move on to the next couple. If you’re getting married at licenced premises rather than the registry office, this could mean they literally have to leave your venue before you are ready and travel to the next place.

You decide what you are comfortable saying

It’s totally normal for at least one of you to be feeling anxious about what you’re going to say, when you’re going to say it and where you’re going to stand.

With a celebrant, you get to see the script well in advance. You can see who says what and when. You can choose exactly what you say and, like Goldilocks, we don’t stop until it is just right.

Never too over-the-top for you, never too romantic, never too gushing or painfully dull. It should feel right when you say it.

And if, two days before the wedding you think there is no way you can stand up and say your personalised vows you've written – or we’ve written together – no great shakes. We adapt, we rethink.

Oh, and of course we can have a rehearsal, so you are not getting up and down randomly as if in a game of Stand-up Sit-down bingo.

You’ll know where you are throughout the ceremony. You can practice exchanging rings with me there. You can see how it feels standing at the top of the aisle. You can choose whether to stay standing throughout the ceremony or take the weight off your feet.

Uncertainty. Gone.

You choose where the ceremony takes place

Yes, any legal ceremony has to be in a register office or another venue approved for marriage.

But once that is done, the world is absolutely your oyster. Your celebrant ceremony can be anywhere. You choose.

Side of a lake, on a mountain, in your favourite restaurant, on a boat – not with me, I get seasick – riding through the countryside on a steam train, the hotel where you got engaged, on a bougie glamping site or in your nan’s garden.

You get the point.

You are an adult. You can absolutely choose t where you want to say the most important things to the most important person, with your most important people around you.

Grown-up choices.

You can have a glass of water

The actual truth.

The other weekend, a venue manager told me the registrars wouldn’t allow food or water during a ceremony. This is not the registrar’s doing; it was part of the council’s rules for the ceremony.

I understand that knocking back shot of tequila during a legal ceremony isn’t quite the done thing, but water? Really?

Welcome to 1984, when we never drank water, had stiff upper lips, sweated too much and remained permanently traumatised.

In a celebrant ceremony, you can have a glass of water. Who would have guessed that you might be feeling anxious, a bit warm, somewhat dry-mouthed as you prepare to say your vows.

You can also have that tequila shot if you want too.

Cheers.

Why have a celebrant ceremony as well as a registrar ceremony?

This is question I hear most. Why wouldn’t you want to do everything at the same time.

On the face of it, this is a completely rational question. In reality, when you scratch the surface there is usually another reason lurking underneath. It may be nerves, fear of the unknown, or fear of too much.

For those concerns, see above.

In my humble opinion, there are two jobs. One gets you legally married. The other recognises and celebrates what you are doing for what it is.

Registrars conduct the legal ceremony.

Celebrants do the other job.

It’s more money

It is.

A statutory civil ceremony in the England and Wales currently costs £62. This is often known as a 2+2 wedding ceremony at your local registry office.

It pays for the registrar to conduct a short legal ceremony and includes the signing of and production of your Certificate of Marriage. Your notices, which you always have to do, is an additional cost on top of this.

A celebrant wedding cost more because you are paying for a completely different service.

As with your photographer, cake, band and outfits, you decide where you want your budget to go. You choose the person because you like what they do, how they make you feel, how you want your guests to feel.

The question is not whether it costs more, it does. The question is whether having more certainty, choice, flexibility around the ceremony is worth the extra cost to you.

Change the conversation

Telling somebody the ceremony will be “more personal” might not be enough. Try talking about what you will be able to control.

You will know who is leading it.

You can choose a time that works with the rest of your day. The ceremony can adapt when children, weather or nerves threaten to throw your precision-led schedule out of the window.

You can agree what is said and remove anything that makes either of you uncomfortable.

That is a very different conversation from saying it will feel more like you.

My husband did not leap up from the table and announce we are off to renew our vows with one of my wonderful celebrant friends.

But he did listen. He has gone away to think about it and will probably make a spreadsheet ranking the important things a celebrant can offer that a registrar cannot.

I will, of course, ask him for his conclusion.

I will not be looking at the spreadsheet.

I’m happy to jump on a call with you both, put on my blue hat and chat all things rational that a celebrant can offer. Get in touch and we can find a time that works.